Accountability Report

Posted on January 26, 2012 by Elisha

Today is Day 4 of my latest #7daychip attempt. I’m actually doing fairly well so far. My only goal right now is to eat only when I’m hungry, as it’s all the extra stuff that usually gets me into trouble.

I realized that over the past few weeks, I’ve gotten so worked up over the details–what diet to follow, how many carbs and fats and proteins, what time I should be eating, is it okay to have a bite of chocolate–that I’m causing myself too much stress to be effective in any area. Of course I end up rebelling against that strategy! What choice do I have?

This #7daychip is my way of stepping away from all of that and getting back to what matters: listening to my body, respecting how it feels, and placing my long term goals ahead of my momentary feelings.

I’ve started doing the The New Rules of Lifting for Women workouts again, because I do so love lifting weights, and I’ve been adding some yoga and my physical therapy exercises after I do the weight part. It might not drench me in sweat, and I might not have the exact equipment/weights called for, but at least I’m doing something. And if it makes me look like the chick on the cover, I’m all for it.

I’ve also been logging my food using the LoseIt app on my Kindle and my phone. My dietitian told me to email her my food logs, and I can do that from the LoseIt website, so that’s a plus. Plus I find it easy to use, and it has most of the foods I eat, and if it doesn’t have it in there I can simply scan the barcode with my phone and POOF! there it is.

The problem is, even when I think I’m having a good eating day, I log all of my calories and I’m way over where I want to be. I know that is still diet mindset, but I don’t think I’m quite ready to step away from it entirely yet. I’m too focused on my weight.

So, Day 4. I’m halfway to my chip. Wish me luck for the rest of the week!

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The Voice of Reason

Posted on January 26, 2012 by Elisha
Photo by Pigpogm via Flickr

Photo by Pigpogm via Flickr

For those of you wondering about my health situation, I did have some tests. They came back normal. This leaves me wondering, a) WTF is wrong with me? and b) why do I feel the need to believe I’m sick?

I’ve been reading Full-Filled, The 6-Week Weight-Loss Plan for Changing Your Relationship with Food-and Your Life-from the Inside Out, which is the book version of the Inside Out Weight Loss podcasts I’ve talked about before and have been listening to for well over a year. I highly recommend both the book and the podcasts, because they really make you examine your motivations, your relationship with food and with yourself, and why you do what you do.

Reading this book, even though the podcasts say basically the same thing, has prompted a lot of thinking on my part. A lot. So much so that I feel physically afraid to read the next chapter, that I have a visceral reaction to doing the exercises.

This book, this work, is showing me my resistance.

Also in the past few days, I’ve read The Flinch (it’s Free!), which, again, is pointing out those moments of resistance in my life.

What I’m coming to realize is that the vast majority of what I do or don’t do is based on avoiding something, some change, some action, something different than the status quo.

It’s strange, because I have always thought of myself as adaptable, and today everywhere I look all I see is signs of my resistance, of me not wanting to adapt to anything new.

For example, today was the day I was supposed to go to roller derby practice. Did I go? No. Why not? I tell myself it’s because I can’t afford it, which I can’t, and that I don’t have the time, which I don’t, and that it would be hard on my sore knees and ankle, which it would. All of that = EXCUSE. Regardless of the validity of the argument, that is me talking myself out of doing something different, even though it’s something I’ve claimed I wanted to do for a long time. If I wanted it, I would make it work regardless of the money and the time and the joints.

What did I do instead? I did take some time for myself: I went shopping. Now, every fat girl knows that shopping, although it seems like fun, really isn’t. Especially when you don’t have any money to spend. Oh, and let’s not forget it’s lunchtime, so I’ll have to grab something to eat.

What I did instead of roller derby was make myself feel bad about being overweight and broke, then console myself by wasting money and calories on unhealthy food. How is that reasonable? I have an uncanny ability to talk myself out of the good-for-me things and into the bad ones.

Okay, I’m just going to assume you’re all with me up to this point. If you read this blog, you probably have an idea of what it’s like to put off a dream, to make a bad decision, and to feel guilty for doing something bad instead of something good. Let me show you another side, a deeper, more seditious side to resistance.

What if my belief that I am ill despite evidence to the contrary is psychological resistance? What if I want to be sick so I have an excuse not to have another kid, not to lose weight,  not to organize my house or finish a novel or meet any other big goal I have? Am I so afraid of life and change that I actually want to be physically ill, that I am literally making myself sick?

How’s that for a scary thought?

On the upside, the fact that I’m recognizing this resistance is good. I can’t overcome it if I’m not even aware that it’s happening. This resistance I’m feeling is a big, flashing arrow pointing right at the areas I need to work on, which unfortunately seems to be all of the areas right now.

So what do I do with that? Well, I keep reading, for one thing, keep working through the exercises. The point of Full-Filled is getting your whole self into alignment, and I am obviously not aligned.

The only solution is to do the work, to push straight into that resistance and face it, to deal with it, to show it that I can come out on the other side, still living, still breathing, stronger and more capable than I was before.

The only way out is through.

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Finding My Joy

Posted on January 14, 2012 by Elisha
Photo by AlicePopkorn via flickr

Photo by AlicePopkorn via flickr

(Cross-posted to Elisha Learns to Fly, a new blog I started to talk about everything else in my life. Because there’s more to life than weight loss.)

I’m reading If I’m So Smart, Why Can’t I Lose Weight?: Tools to Get it Done (aff) by Brooke Castillo, and she classifies food/eating into different categories. One of the categories is Joy Eating, or, simply, food that we eat purely for pleasure.

Castillo maintains that we should get, at most, 10% of the joy in our lives from food, and if we’re getting more than that, we need to find another source of joy.

When I think about it, I realize that the vast majority of my joy come from food. VAST majority, like 75%.

How sad is that?

Really, I have a great life, and I recognize that. I have a nice home (regardless of how clean it is), I have a job that I actually enjoy and coworkers I like, I have all of my needs met, I have a wonderful family, I have a husband who loves me, and I have the World’s Best Daughter. Shouldn’t all of those things be where I find my joy?

On the other hand, I understand that I don’t really have much else going on. Yes, my daughter does bring me joy on a daily basis. She makes me laugh and brightens my every day. I estimate that she is 20% of my joy.

Add that to the 75% I get from food, and that leaves me with 5% that I get elsewhere. A measley FIVE percent. And where do I get that? Mostly reading, or watching Netflix, or cooking (which is food, again), or reading blogs. All of that, even though it seems like I spend so much time on those things, only adds up to five percent.

I think that I do spend so much of my time on those things because I am constantly looking for more joy, but the truth is that all of those things could never give me more than that small amount of joy, no matter how much I partake, because that is all the joy they hold for me.

If I’m being honest, I think cooking could hold more joy if it wasn’t so intricately tied with guilt about eating whatever unhealthy thing it is that I’m cooking. I love to cook, and I love to try new recipes. I just always feel bad about it afterwards, so that cancels out some of the joy.

And really, eating doesn’t bring me that much joy, for mostly the same reason. Yet I continue to look for it there, like my happiness lies at the bottom of a bag of Doritos. Hint: It doesn’t. It’s not even in the cookie jar. I looked.

Food will NEVER supply that much joy, because that’s not the point of food. It only has so much joy to offer me, and it’s not all the joy that I need.

The solution, obviously, is to find other sources of joy in my life.  What else brings me joy?

Running brings me joy. Of course, there is the whole ankle-knee-back thing going on right now, plus the facts that a) I cancelled my gym membership, b) the treadmill I have at home is too crappy for me to run on, and c) it’s winter in WV and I don’t feel like running in 6″ of snow (much less driving to the trail). I know none of these things has to stop me, not permanently, and I fully intend to go back to running as soon as possible. It just doesn’t feel possible right now.

Writing brings me joy. At least it used to. I keep trying to get back to that place, but now it feels like more of a chore, like it’s something I’m trying to force myself to enjoy rather than just letting it happen. I know I will enjoy it once I open myself to the flow of it, but it is difficult to get back there.

Yoga brings me joy. Each and every time I do a pose, even just one single pose, I feel better. Why have I not made yoga a part of my daily life?

Crafting/creating brings me joy. I like to make beautiful things, but I feel like I’m not good at it. The flip side is, if I spent more time on it, I would get better at it, and enjoy it more.

Designing/decorating brings me joy. Unfortunately I feel this one is too expensive to really do much of, at least for the time being. I can take a few minutes here and there to plan what my dream house would look like, though (and usually do).

Reading brings me joy. This is the one that I actually do a good bit of. Not as much as I’d like, and not the type that I’d like, but at least it’s in there. I review books, and I think I might cut back on reviewing fiction (I’ll still review cookbooks), because it always seems to bring me down, or at the very least slow me down, when I have to write a review.

Cooking brings me joy. Yes, it also brings guilt, but that is dependent upon the type of food I make. Trying new, healthy recipes does not make me guilty, and so can be purely joyful. I need more of that in my life, for purposes of both joy and health.

Lifting weights brings me joy. It makes me feel strong. It makes me feel like I’m doing something good for myself. It makes me feel capable. I am all of those things, and I need to prove it to myself more often.

Talking to friends brings me joy. Even as much as I hate talking on the phone, I love talking to my friends, whether it be online, on the phone, via text, or in person. There are people in this world who bring me joy, and I need to spend more time with them, even if it is virtual.

Travelling brings me joy. I love seeing new places, new sights, taking in a new view. I love to explore this big, beautiful world we live in. This is somewhat cost prohibitive at the moment, but there’s no reason I couldn’t explore more of my local world. I live in a breath-takingly beautiful place, and I could certainly enjoy it more. Especially once spring gets here and I can spend more time outdoors, I can explore the world around me.

So I’ve been thinking about all of this for a few days, and it occurs to me that I might enjoy having some other activity outside my home, even outside my family. One thing I’ve wanted to do for a long, long time is roller derby.

Now, I can’t skate. I don’t have skates. I don’t remember the last time I went skating, but it was years, probably decades ago. However, I think roller derby looks AWESOME. I even have the perfect derby name: The Apocalish. Oh yeah.

So a few days ago I saw a post on Craigslist for the local roller derby team, and I emailed about it. I’ve been going back and forth with the team trying to figure out a schedule for when I can practice, what I’m going to need, etc. I’m so excited about this.

I figure, the very worst that could happen is I don’t like it, and I don’t end up actually participating. But the best that could happen is it’s totally amazing and I find something else that brings me joy.

My point is, I need more joy, and I’m working on finding it. I don’t yet know what that is going to be, but the only way to figure that out is to try new things.

So this is me, trying new things.

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What You Seek

Posted on January 13, 2012 by Elisha
Photo by Kevulike via flickr

Photo by Kevulike via flickr

I’m doing it again. Still.

I’m seeking external answers.

I’m looking to some new diet, some expert to tell me what to do, how to do it, exactly what it is that I’m missing, that if I just had that one thing my weight, my body, my house, my life would be perfect.

If what you seek you find not within, you will never find it without.

The answers are all inside of me. There is nothing missing. It’s all right here.

Right here.

I don’t need to go low-carb or low-fat or high-protein or anything else. I need to eat what makes me feel good.

I don’t need a super, duper, clean-your-house-and-make-over-your-life organizing system. I need to clean and organize my environment in a way that makes me feel good.

I don’t need to follow someone else’s hardcore workout schedule, or do the training program so-and-so recommends. I need to do exercise that makes me feel good.

Because isn’t that really what I want, to feel good, inside and out?

Why is that so hard?

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Oh, Hello There, Trigger

Posted on January 9, 2012 by Elisha
Photo by bottled_void via flick

Photo by bottled_void via flick

Today was supposed to be a good day. I took the day off work, as my daughter had a mid-morning doctor’s appointment (3-year wellness check) that landed smack in the middle of my work hours. My mom decided to tag along to town with me so she could surf some of the post-Christmas clearance sales, and possibly we’d go to lunch. I even did yoga this morning.  (Let’s ignore the fact that I didn’t sleep well and have been up since 4am.)

Now, I know perfectly well that I don’t have extra money to spend right now, so I didn’t try to spend any. I also know perfectly well that I DO have money to put gas in my car, and when I try to do so … Declined.

Hmm. Check bank account.

Yes, I do have the exact amount of money I thought I had, which is more than I was trying to spend.

Try again.

Declined.

Let’s shine a light on Elisha’s eating-trigger situations, shall we?

1. Financial stress

2. Hanging out with my mom

3. Hanging out at home by myself

(4. Pretty much everything else, but for the sake of brevity let’s just focus today’s relevant issues)

So my day today went like this: hang out with my mom, have some financial stress, then come home and hang out alone with Daughter naps.

Anyone want to guess what I did while Daughter napped? If you said, “Ate a lot of random food you had absolutely no physical reason to eat,” you are correct!

I could try to shed some positive light on this situation, like this: Now that I have identified this trigger, I can figure out a plan to fix it.

As I was sitting here, planted on the couch, catching up on Grey’s Anatomy, munching on a brownie, some roasted squash seeds, some crackers and cheese (you get the idea), I kept thinking, “I’m not hungry. I’m only eating because I’m frustrated. This has nothing to do with food.”

And you know, I’m right. This has absolutely nothing to do with food. The reason that I ate all of that junk is that food has traditionally been my comfort, my balm, my solace. I associate food and eating with being happier, thinking that if I eat something I will feel happier, and life won’t be quite so bad.

But it doesn’t work. Food doesn’t make me happy. Quite the opposite, actually, because now I’m sitting here feeling disgusted and guilty for eating the junk.

That stress I was feeling is still there. The only thing the food did was shift my focus for a few minutes (and really, “minutes” is being generous–we all know how quickly a brownie can disappear).  In the end, I’m still exactly where I was to begin with, with the exception of a few hundred calories.

The problem is not fixed.

The stress is not relieved.

The food did not change a single thing.

Giving in to that stress, that trigger, was nothing more than a momentary distraction.

Now the distraction is gone, and I’m left right where I was, sitting with my frustration.

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Return to Above

Posted on January 8, 2012 by Elisha
Photo by mag3737 via flickr

Photo by mag3737 via flickr

Since I started physical therapy in August, my weight has been slowly climbing back up. Sometimes not so slowly (Christmas, anyone?). The 20 pounds I lost last spring/summer are suddenly only 10, are somehow suddenly only 7.

How does that happen so quickly?

I question the formula. 3500 calories in is far more than 3500 calories out, like you have to burn at least 7000 extra to lose a single pound, but you only have to eat about 1500 extra to gain one. How is that fair?

I know it has nothing to do with fair, and it has nothing to do with warped dimensions or time travel or anything unexplainable. It has to do with a lack of attention, with, “I didn’t really eat that many calories, did I?” and “What happened to all the crab dip?” and “Oh, damn, the cookies are all gone!”

There’s an odd dichotomy to starting again; it is both the easiest and the hardest part. You’re all gung-ho and ready to be different, but those old habits are so very present, just waiting to catch you, waiting to trip you. How do you keep your eyes on the goal when you have to watch every step you take for fear of falling, hard?

In other words, this is me trying again.

May 2011 be the last time I ever see 260+ on the scale, and may today be the last day I ever see 254+.

It may be January 08, but today is Day 1.

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Doctor, Doctor

Posted on January 5, 2012 by Elisha

I went to the doctor this morning, like the good little girl that I am. Can I just say that I really love the doctors at the office I go to? I didn’t see my regular doctor this morning, because I couldn’t get in to see her for almost two weeks, but this new doctor was just as helpful. She actually listened to what I was saying, including my crazy rants about how I’m not a hypochondriac (I swear!) but I really feel like there’s something wrong. She answered my questions and even took time to explain what her answers meant. So, yay team!

The diagnosis:

a) My ongoing/recurring cold may be due to allergies. She suggested I try an OTC antihistamine to see if that makes any difference. If it helps, awesome! If it doesn’t help, we’ll do an allergy test and some other tests to figure out WTF is going on.

b) My ankle/foot/knee/hip/back problems are likely all related (um, duh!), and me trying to tough it and just wait for things to heal on their own is probably making it harder than it has to be. Without proper rehabilitation, ankle sprains–not even considering any of the other pain related to it–can take up to a YEAR to heal. Ouch! So, she gave me some therapy activities to do at home, and if I’m not seeing improvement in a couple of weeks, she’ll refer me to physical therapy again. That’s totally not what I want, but I suppose a few more weeks of PT is better than a year of hobbling around in pain.

b.1) She recommended that I only walk on a flat, stable surface (i.e. a track or a flat road, not even a treadmill) and no running whatsoever until I’ve rebuilt my proprioception. I can use a stationary bike or maybe an elliptical–basically machines where I don’t have to worry about planting my foot and that don’t actively hurt my ankle and/or knees.

c) I’m going back next week for an ultrasound. No, I’m not pregnant (at least not that I’m aware of), but I’ve got some female issues going on, and a rather rocky family history to go with it, so she agreed with me that it was better to be on the safe side and have things checked out. Maybe it’s nothing, but if it’s something, we’ll be able to get it taken care of.

What does all of this mean? Well, it means she doesn’t know what is going on with me either, but she’s trying to help me figure it out, which is pretty much all I could really hope. She said that she doesn’t automatically see a connection between all of these things, but that doesn’t mean there isn’t one, and often just being down in one area can make it easier to get down in another area, even if it’s not direct causation.

So I’m going to experiment, and we’re going to test, and they’re going to snap some pics of my insides, and we’ll see.

The not being able to walk/run thing really sucks though, because it’s fricking winter and I’m not about to go outside in 17F, and besides that, I live in WV where there is no such thing as a flat surface. I WANT TO RUN! I miss running so much that it literally makes me cry every time I think about it.

I have to keep reminding myself that the only way out is through, that I have to do the work and take the time to heal if I ever want to be able to move forward. What I’ve been doing obviously isn’t working, so I need to try a different course.

But it’s frustrating. I’ve been in tears half of the day because I’m so frustrated. Although I know I got the best response I could have, given the situation, I was really hoping there was some kind of easy answer, some “Oh yeah, I know what’s going on! Take this and everything will be fine,” and it just wasn’t there. There isn’t an easy solution to be had here, and the only thing I can see in front of me is more frustration.

I have to keep moving forward, keep working, keep trying to find a solution, a way through.

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Pain and Paranoia

Posted on January 2, 2012 by Elisha

January 2nd and already I’m missing out on my goals. Specifically, my goal of walking (on the treadmill for now) for at least 20 minutes every day.

This afternoon, something painful happened to my ankle–the same ankle I sprained a few weeks ago and which is still recovering, but this is a new pain. It hurts so bad I almost cry every time I take a step. I didn’t even do anything. one minute it was post-sprain fine (meaning it hurts when I twist it, but is generally okay), and then the next minute, OW.

At this point, all I can think is, “WTF, body?”

I was thinking that if this pain is still here tomorrow, I’m calling the doctor, but now I think I might set up an appointment even if the pain is gone. This just seems like too much happening in a short amount of time.

Up to this point in my life, whenever I got sick or injured, I would simply wait it out, a temporary thing. My body would heal and I’d go about my business.

But now … I’m not healing. New stuff keeps happening, and the old stuff isn’t getting any better.

Yet I feel silly, like none of these little things are really a cause for concern. Like my husband and mother say, it’s part of aging. But I can’t accept that. I feel like something might actually wrong with me, something that’s not just going to go away and heal on its own. Like I need help.

And if my general practitioner tells me that it’s just a sprain, it’s just my overweight putting too much stress on my body for too long, it’s just my body getting older, it’s just … whatever else, I’m going to keep investigating.

There’s something wrong. I can feel it. This isn’t right.

Am I paranoid?

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New Year, New … Me?

Posted on December 31, 2011 by Elisha
Photo by verpletterend via flickr

Photo by verpletterend via flickr

I have been sick and/or injured since August. Me, the one who never gets sick or injured. I’m on my third cold in three months, and I historically haven’t had more than one cold a year, if that. I injured my back, my ankle, and now my knee. My ankle isn’t even better yet, and the combination of ankle and knee injuries is making my back worse again.

There are a few other physical things I’ve got going on that don’t bear mentioning here, and it all adds up to making me think there might actually be something wrong with me. I told Husband I was falling apart, and his reply was, “Welcome to your 30s.” I don’t think that’s it.

Every single time something happens, every time I have a twinge of joint pain, every time I blow my nose, there is a voice that asks, “What’s really going on here? What is my body trying to tell me? What am I not getting?”

The answer, obviously, always, is this: I need to take care of myself. Physically, emotionally, spiritually, financially, mentally, vocationally, however it is possible to take care of myself. I need to pay attention, I need to listen, and I need to respect.

Husband got me a Kindle Fire for Christmas, along with a gift card so I could fill it up with books. One of the first books I bought was Brooke Castillo’s If I’m So Smart, Why Can’t I Lose Weight?: Tools to Get it Done (aff), and I’ve been reading through it over the past few days. Just now I was reading as I walked on the treadmill, and she talked about how, in the beginning, your body might need to “vent” about how poorly it’s been treated.

And I wonder, is this my body venting? Is this what I get for mistreating it for years and years, decades, and it always coming through for me anyway? Now that I’m asking more, giving more, it feels somehow entitled to retaliation? I can’t say that I blame it. For all the crap I’ve done to my body, for all that I’ve put it through, I certainly deserve a bit of payback.

Or is this a test, to prove–to myself, I suppose–how much I want this, to see if I will persevere in the face of adversity? Adversity and me, we are old friends (it comes hand-in-hand with life, after all), but it is used to seeing me turn and walk away. Do I want my health bad enough to finally stand up to a challenge, to not back down? Do I respect myself enough to face my fears, unknown or blatant, and climb over this obstacle? Do I have what it takes to earn that self-esteem? Can I stand my ground and come out victorious?

There is the obvious answer: eat better, get more sleep, rest and exercise as appropriate. Yes, I know I need to do all of those things, but somehow this feels deeper, like those superficial fixes aren’t enough.

There are so many things I want to do, so many goals I have in my head, for so many aspects of my life. I’ve always loved New Years for that reason; it’s a fresh start, a chance to start something new, to be someone new. It’s a reminder that what’s done is done, and that we can make the choice, right now, to be different, to be better.

But that it true at every moment. We can always choose to be different going forward than we were in the past. We just have to listen, and make the choice.

My choice is to not wait for tomorrow. My choice was to get on the treadmill and do what I could do. I might not be able to run a 5k just yet–I’m not even walking very fast at the moment, with the sore ankle and knee–but at least I did it.

Tomorrow, I will choose to do it again.

Happy 2012.

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Inertia

Posted on December 20, 2011 by Elisha
Photo by jbrownell via Flickr

Photo by jbrownell via Flickr

Noun: inertia

  1. A disposition to remain inactive or inert
  2. (physics) the tendency of a body to maintain its state of rest or uniform motion unless acted upon by an external force

With health, as with all things, the hardest part is getting started. Once I get going in the right direction, it gets easier to keep going. Of course, that also means that once I stop moving, it’s difficult to start moving again.

That is where I am now, not moving.

I did so very well last week, and then on Friday I crashed a bit. Now it’s Tuesday, and I’ve rolled to a complete stop.

I could blame the holidays and the inordinate amount of treats there are in my kitchen (which, um, I seem to have made … as Christmas presents [yeah, that's it, presents]).

I could blame my sprained ankle for keeping me out of the gym (it does legitimately hurt–it hurt so bad yesterday I almost fell over as soon as I stood up).

I could blame, oh, I don’t know, pretty much anything. My family. My lack of money. The stupid gym for being all the way across town. Work for being busy. Why not the laws of physics?

In reality, there is only me and my decisions. I have a frig full of healthy foods, including lots of fruits and veggies (okay, only half of the food in my frig is healthy–the other half is cheese and chocolate). The only thing holding me back is my brain.

But it is also my brain that allows me to choose, to make healthy decisions, to get the ball rolling again.

Yes, this time of year is notoriously difficult for healthy living, and I am no exception to the rule. But that does not mean that I have to give in, or that I shouldn’t do what I can, even if I feel it’s not enough.

The direction of my life, and how well I do on any given day, is up to me. I choose to get the ball rolling again.

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