Question: When is intuitive eating not intuitive?
Answer: When you’re a chronic dieter.
Photo by Rainbowfly via flickr
This morning I’m eating an egg sandwich for breakfast, that is, a fried egg, a slice of cheese, and a big slather of mayo (Oh mayonnaise, how I’ve missed you!) on bread. The way my dad eats them. I had my husband buy me some regular–no, please god, do not get “light”!–mayo the other day, because, hey, I can eat whatever I want, right?
Yesterday I “wanted” to eat an entire sleeve of saltine crackers, mostly with cream cheese, some with American cheese, and some just straight. I also “wanted” to eat some new chili-cheese potato chips and a pepperoni roll, and wash it down with a huge Diet Pepsi. Oh, and graham crackers with Nutella. And a turkey sandwich, with more mayo.
And even though I’m giving myself permission to eat these things, it feels like rebelling, and it feels like shame. Forget Diet Pepsi, I’m washing these foods down with GUILT.
“Oh my god, do you know how many calories that was?!?”
“I’ll have to eat a super small, super healthy dinner to make up for that!”
“Well, that just ruined that healthy breakfast you had, and probably your workout for today too. Maybe you should go hop on the elliptical again.”
“I know you’re trying this new intuitive eating thing, but you’re going to eat your way to being fatter than ever.”
“No wonder you’re fat.”
“Fat fat fat fatty fatpants. Stupid, ugly, worthless, fat, huge, whale, pig, fat.”
So then I try to compromise with myself. I say, “Okay, so maybe I can eat what I want but still count calories. Or maybe I just eat a small portion of whatever food I want, and count those calories. And only when I’m really hungry. And no snacking.”
That’s not a compromise: that’s fear.
And you know, I am afraid. I’m terrified. I’m scared that if I let go of the dieting/calorie-counting system, I will never see the results I want, i.e. weight loss.
Is that the result I want? Really? That’s what concerns me the most, out of all the things I could be striving for in life? The number on the scale is my biggest problem?
That makes it seem, sound, feel silly. Who the fuck cares how much I weigh? Why do I care?
Shouldn’t the result I want be a happier life? Isn’t that the only result worth giving a damn about, in the end? And if happiness is the result I want, I have to ask myself this:
Is focusing on my weight making me any happier?
The answer to that is a resounding NO. Focusing on my weight keeps me, well, focused on the things I don’tlike, about myself, about my body, about my habits, about my past, about my entire life. Focusing on my weight keeps me down. It holds me back.
Is there a way to focus on things I do like and still lose weight? Of course. I like running. I like strength training. I like yoga. I like working out. I like trying new foods, even healthy ones.
What about food? What about eating? I like mayonnaise and potato chips and pepperoni rolls and cream cheese. I like real butter on freshly made bread.
But I also like feeling good. I like being comfortable in my body, and not feeling like I want to throw up after I eat. I like feeling hungry enough to enjoy my food. I like feeling light and energetic instead of heavy and sluggish.
I like feeling free to do what I want and eat what I want and be who I want.
I just need to figure out how to do that.
“I like feeling free to do what I want and eat what I want and be who I want.”
This is exactly what IE has given me, that I didn’t think it would. The process of legalising foods was an important one to me. It made me realise not only what I didn’t want to eat but how I didn’t want to feel. I would think that I would want to gorge myself full with certain foods (and I did for a stage) but in the end it took me away from my end goal. Which was loving myself and treating my body with respect.
It really took a few times of stopping and restarting this stage (with restriction inbetween) before I finally felt I was getting somewhere with developing the relationship with food I was craving. It really is worth it:)
I actually belonged to an intuitive eating support group about ten years ago and wrote about my experience on my blog this summer. Despite belonging to a group, at the time I really didn’t understand the rule “eat what your body wants”.
The mayonnaise, the pepperoni, cream cheese, chocolate, baked goods, fried stuff is not the food that your body wants, it’s the food that your mind wants. Your body wants nutritious foods: vegetables, fruit, whole grains, whole foods. In order to eat what your body wants, you need to start eating those foods. I started with switching my lunch from a sandwich to a salad and now I find myself craving healthy foods.
However, there is no way intuitive eating would have worked to help resolve my underlying eating issues (EDNOS), I worked with a cognitive behaviour therapist for year to change my negative eating behaviour into positive ones.
I’d say that I’m an intuitive eater now, but I had to completely change my thinking in order for it to work.