Photo by HaPe_Gera via flickr
I have a hard time sitting with my emotions.
If you’re a fan of self-help literature, as I am, whether it be blogs or books or whatever, you will often hear the message that in order to work through the difficulties we face in life, we need to learn to “sit with” our emotions, or to “be present in the moment,” or even to just feel what we’re feeling. And it sounds like good advice. If I don’t let myself feel anger, the anger that is present inside of me will remain inside of me and fester, so I need to feel that anger in order to release it. Makes sense to me.
But I can’t do it. I don’t know how. I can recognize the feelings I have–anger, frustration, resentment, inadequacy, whatever–but it always seems like as soon as the emotions come bubbling up, I look for a way to escape. Often, I turn to food. Sometimes I write, or blog.
Like right now. Right now I am feeling all of those emotions I named and more.
I’m feeling overwhelmed at the thought of going back to school (which is just a thought at this point) and student loans and homework.
I’m depressed because I know I should get a job for the sake of finances, but I’m not qualified for any job I want, and I don’t want any job I am qualified for. And I just plain don’t want to have to get a job.
I’m frustrated at the lack of progress we’re making with potty training, and at the fact at my house is never clean, no matter how much I try.
I’m feeling inadequate because I can’t clean my house, I can’t potty train my daughter, I can’t keep the dog from climbing onto the table, I can’t get bread to rise properly, I can’t find a job, I can’t keep my blog from getting hacked, and I can’t eat to hunger without spilling over into emotional eating.
I know these are all coming from the negative voice in my head. I know logically that not one of those things is true. I know I am intelligent and resourceful and capable.
But I also feel like if I let myself feel those emotions that I will be so overwhelmed I just shut down. Like it’s too much. Like I have to do something to relieve the pressure, something that doesn’t involve feeling at all, so that I can get on with my life.
Logically, I know that numbing out isn’t the answer. Numbing out is part of the problem. I know that emotions will pass, if I let them through.
How do I let them through without collapsing under the weight?
You know after almost two years of a new lifestyle and 80 lbs less weight I don’t think I’m any closer to answering the above for myself (or for you). It may seem like the “skinny girls”have the answer or that “the fitness queen” has got it all together, but they don’t.
Truth is, no one does. Try to take comfort in that.
We’re all big hot messes that sometimes we let the bad stuff outweigh the good. It’s the ebb and flow of life, the cycle of emotions, the way it should be. I can’t say “cheer up”or “let it go” or “get over it” cause that’s all bullshit.
What I can say is that in this moment you’re in, how you’re feeling now, it won’t last forever. You won’t feel like you do, right now, forever.
One of my favorite quotes by Robert Frost says, “In three words I can sum up everything I’ve learned about life — It goes on.”
Remind yourself that tomorrow is another day, another opportunity, another chance to feel those yummy, heart-warming emotions. Take comfort in that. And that someone else out in the blogger world cares.
Hang in there.
You are who you believe you are. That is a fact. And beliefs can be changed. Sometimes it happens in an instant – the Damascus experience – but most of the time we have to work on it, long and hard and over and over again. Problem is that we have no experience doing this consciously, so the task seems daunting. Our jeering inner voices are also always ready to tell us that we can’t do it. My advice? When it feels really, really uncomfortable and the voices are at their loudest, your breakthrough is imminent.
We were taught at a young age that emotions are dangerous and cannot be trusted. “Being emotional” conjures up images of the Jerry Springer show, and understandably we don’t want to go there. We want to retain a modicum of dignity, even though our fat ultimately robs us of this.
One of the bloggers I really learned a lot from is Vickie from Baby Steps V. In her first year of weight loss (and doing the emotional work) she used to put herself in time out. She’d literally put herself in a corner where she would sit and stare at the walls and cry until the storm had passed and she could trust herself again. Or she’d get into the bathtub and cry and cry. Her archives are a wealth of information.
I don’t know how to sit with my emotions either. But I’m trying, and right now, I think trying is important. For both of us.