I don’t know what to say about my last post. I’m not sure how to follow it up, or even that it makes sense to me now as it did when I was writing it. I’m feeling very introspective, in case you didn’t notice.
I’m striving to figure out who I am and what I want. It seems like that should be easy. “I am Elisha, and I want _____.” But it’s not easy, because I’ve spent the past 31 years of my life denying what I want or telling myself that what I want isn’t good enough, or isn’t attainable, or whatever else can be used as an excuse. I’ve been chasing what other people want, or what I think I should want, or what I think will make me materially happy without considering what would make me spiritually happy.
All this time I’ve been searching for some external happiness, for something superficial, and I have failed to ask what would make my soul happy.
I certainly haven’t been living the life that makes my soul happy. I think I’ve tried occasionally, and a few times I’ve even made a move in the right direction, but as I’ve never bothered to figure out what it is that I need, I haven’t ever known, at least not consciously, what it would take to get there.
As it relates to my weight, I definitely see my excess weight as a symptom of my spiritual unhappiness. (Please note, I’m not using “spiritual” to mean religious.) And really, it’s not unhappiness, exactly, but more a feeling of incompleteness. There’s something missing, something I haven’t found yet. If I am a puzzle–and aren’t we all?–a few of my pieces have not been placed. I try to fill the gap with food, with weight, with things that will never be a solution to a problem I don’t want to see.
I have no illusions that I am alone in this. The fact that there are blogs and books and so forth devoted to finding your passion (I know because I read them, and no, they don’t help–reading them is a substitute for actually doing) demonstrates to me that there are countless people out there with the same problem. I’m not special because I don’t know what I want. I am not alone in seeking.
The hard part, the part that hurts, is knowing that some of the ways I have been living my life are counter to what I feel I truly want. Does this mean that I don’t actually value them as much as I think I do? Does it mean that I subconsciously punish myself by living a life that goes against my truth?
The question is, what do I want, in my heart of hearts? What is my truth?
Secondary to that is the question, How does that truth translate into my day-to-day life? What changes do I need to make do live my truth? What actions do I need to take? What do I need to add, or to cut out?
My truth is, I need to feel I’m using my brain to make a contribution to the world. I’m not going to feel satisfied doing transcription or working as a secretary or operating a copy machine or working in retail. Where would I feel satisfied? Teaching, writing, counseling, most likely. Sharing my knowledge with others. Blogging.
What does that mean for my life? It means I need to stop looking for a crap job that won’t make me happy, and start doing the things that will. I need to write, I need to learn, and I need to share.
My truth is, I need to surround myself in a pleasing aesthetic. Perhaps that’s shallow, but I want my home and my person to look good. Which means I need to clean and organize my house, and I need to start paying attention to how I treat and care for my body. I need to de-clutter my house, my car, my body, my mind. I need to keep only those things that are beautiful or helpful to me.
My truth is, I need to teach my daughter that she is beautiful, and intelligent, and amazing, and absolutely worthy. I need her to know that in the depths of her soul. How do I do that? I don’t know, exactly. I love her the best that I can, and tell her that she is perfect just as she is. If anyone has any recommendations here, I’d love to hear them.
My truth is, nature is to be valued. The Earth gave us all that we have, everything that we need to thrive, and as we pollute the air and water and ground, we pollute ourselves, spiritually and physically. I need to pay more respect to the Earth, and to pay more respect to my body by treating it with natural, nurturing foods and products.
As I’m writing this post, I received an email from Sid Savara linking me to a post he wrote called Stop Waiting For Your Life To Begin. It feels so very relevant right now. I recommend reading the article, and even doing his little exercise, but he sums up by saying, “You have the power to do whatever you desire, so take control and begin your life. Start working on your dreams today. Do not silently accept waiting for a day that your life begins – make today that day.”
Today is the day to begin living my truth.